Growing up.

How do we declutter our thoughts? How do we form a concrete line of thought for ourselves and for others? Lately my thoughts have been all over the place and it's beyond frustrating, first of all for myself to try to make any kind of sense of what's really going on in there. I've never been much of a concrete person myself, but this is beyond me.

I'm thinking about ideas, I'm thinking about life, I'm thinking about me, I'm thinking about scripts, projects, stories, poetry, paintings, art, life again.. You know, just "those little things".

Everything, since May probably, has been given a slight edge. When I realized I had to deal with the apartment I have in Sweden it's been a journey in my head like no other. I've always known that I would HAVE to deal with at some point, but then, to actually do it, turned out to be a whole different ballgame. What it would entail, I always knew, but now it's actually going to happen.

I've always, since I got the apartment and moved to New York, always felt that I have "an anchor" or "a life to return to" in Sweden. That all my stuff, and the apartment itself would be my life in waiting. But as it turns out, you can't, and shouldn't plan life in that sense. Who knew I was going to meet a beautiful girl in New York and eventually decide to move to Spain? A relatively unknown country for yours truly, but beautiful and full of opportunities, especially for someone who looks nothing like the indigenous. I'm now at another major crossroads in life. I've already been through quite a few.

My first feeling towards everything was panic. Which I believe is a quite normal feeling, also something that anyone WOULD feel. I was going to lose a huge part of my identity that I've carried with me for the past five years. Or even longer. I mean, a lot of the stuff that I actually have in that apartment is stuff that I've collected and used, and had, for the better part of my life. Not just my adult life, but my entire life. And now I would have to deal with it? Of course panic sets in, but it's not supposed to take over, and neither has it.

Questions started popping up, am I doing the right thing? What would this mean? What am I giving up? The life that I thought I had, or was going to have, it's now never going to start? Well.

I came to the conclusion that no matter what, I now have a life where I am. I don't have to wait for life to start, it already has! And by keeping my life shattered in a bunch of different corners in the world, I was constantly going to be a bystander of my own life. And who wants that, really? I have a life here, I have beautiful opportunities and I'm willing to take the risk. Isn't this a part of what I've always done? Isn't it in the blog? My Twitter/Facebook/Instagram description? "Adventurous", "A whole lot of crazy" and so on and so forth. What's NOT crazy about this? Where's the risk that I would avoid to take?

Going to Sweden at the end of August is going to be a harrowing experience, but in both senses of the word. I'll harrow through my belongings, but it's also going to be harrowing emotionally. No matter what happens, I'm willing to take all and and any risk. Otherwise, I'd never be able to call myself adventurous again.

Don't be a stranger! Loves