Talent & Art

Recently I've been thinking a lot about what talent means, where confidence comes from, what success means and how we constantly define ourselves in the reflection of the people around us. You know, the smaller things in life.

I recently had a run-in with a person who for me would classify as a hack, a person who has it's moments but for the most time rarely does anything out of the extraordinary, but who has all the confidence in the world. How is this possible and who do I call to get a dose of the same?

A lot of people through the years have seen me as confident, almost to the point of being cocky and arrogant, and people in general have not been shy in voicing their opinions about my way of being or acting, no pun intended. I'm either full of myself, an asshole or any other beautifully phrased derogatory term. Not that I take offense or even take note, if people are bothered maybe, just maybe it's really them who struggle with something big, not me.

But I'm really not all that. I'm a scared and self conscious little shit. I'm not hot stuff, I don't have a lot of confidence in what I'm not good at. If I feel I do something below the standard to which I hold myself, I will immediately close down, shut in and start a long and self conscious, auto-destructive thought pattern of how I'm the worst one of all the people who have ever tried said thing. I'm not confident and I very often compare myself to others, I'm an insecure little shit at times, which of course can make me come off as arrogant to others when in certain instances I say I'm good.

I know I'm good at certain things, like each and everyone of us, but I can't say that I'm good at certain things if I've never looked back in awe at something that I did related to it. As abstract at this may sound, I offer examples; 1.) I'm a great cook, I'm highly inventive and know how to combine odd flavors and I'm not afraid of trying new things because my base knowledge is extremely strong. 2.) I still can't say I'm a good actor, even though I've worked on a lot of projects. And this is not a "cry-for-compliments"-kind of thing, it's just how I reason. I get a lot of compliments for my work already, but as I compare to others, which is the most stupid thing in the world to do, I can't help to feel inferior.

And then. Then comes along the hacks with absolutely zero notion but with all the confidence in the world.

HOW DOES THIS HAPPEN?! How can anyone be happy with anything that's less than perfect? How can you stand by an artistic "product" or "project" that's so clearly substandard, not in general, but of what oneself ultimately can achieve?

I want to know how anyone can stand by literal shit and proudly proclaim; "this is my best work yet, and I want the world to marvel at my feat". How? Where does this confidence from? Or does art literally lie just in the eyes of the beholder and me being a stuck up artsy-fartsy, know-it-all perfectionist, will never understand?

Help me shed some light on this matter. Please.

Don't be a stranger! Loves